Falling Slowly
by GypsyxBells
Summary: Why wasn’t she happy? She was on the edge of having everything she’d ever wanted. Everything she’d dreamed about on rainy days when she stared out the window and her mind wandered. -- Lyrics by The Frames


**A/N: Hi there! This is my second-ever fanfic. ^^ I wrote this as a... sequel, I guess, to my first story, The Kill. That one is from Kisshu's prespective, this one is the same story but from Ichigo's perspective. This one was definitely harder to write than my first. Possibly because it involves more thinking than Kisshu's version, and the song I used for this one didn't fit as brilliantly. :P I suggest you read The Kill first, just because I wrote it first (also I think it's better than this one x3). It won't really spoil anything if you read this one first, though.**

**Thanks! ^^ ~Gyspy**

* * *

_I don't know you  
But I want you  
All the more for that_

Kisshu…

No! She shook her head vigorously to stop his name ringing in her ears. Not him. She couldn't feel this way, not about him, not now. It wasn't fair. Not to anyone; not to Masaya, not to the other Mew Mews, Ryou and Keiichiro; not to her. Especially not to her.

Why wasn't she happy? She was on the edge of having everything she'd ever wanted. Everything she'd dreamed about late at night when she couldn't fall asleep, on rainy days when she stared out the classroom window and her mind wandered. All those years of yearning for exactly what she was about to get, what was within her grasp, what she was sure would make her happy.

And then her heart had gone and turned her on her head. Kisshu, not Masaya, was the one making her heart flutter now. The one who made her cheeks burn, her heart swell, the one she found herself thinking of more and more. Not the sweet, gentle, caring Masaya she'd been sure she wanted since she'd laid eyes on him, her ideal boyfriend for as long as she could remember. Not him, now, but this wild, passionate, exotic, impulsive emerald-haired boy. He was breathtaking, beautiful; alien.

It was crazy, she told herself, to feel this way. They were enemies; engaged in battle every other day, fighting for the very fate of their entire species respectively. She hardly knew a thing about his personal life. But she couldn't deny her heart any longer; she loved him. More fiercely and desperately than she'd thought she was capable of loving. She wondered how it had happened, how he'd found his way into her heart.

_Words fall through me  
And always fool me  
And I can't react_

But her feelings didn't matter; Kisshu didn't love her. She was a toy to him; disposable. She knew it in her heart. She was a human, after all, just another obstacle keeping him from achieving his goal. If she let her feelings… if she let _herself_ get in the way of her mission, if she gave herself over to him now, then all she had worked for was lost. Winning the earth was her priority; it was his too. The well-being of her heart was just one of the sacrifices that would have to be made in order to protect everything she held dear.

Almost everything. Ichigo felt her throat constrict. She drew in a long, deep breath, the brisk night air stinging her lungs. Thinking thoughts like the ones that were creeping into her head now would only make everything harder. She clenched her fists hard and bit her lip, quickening her pace through the darkened park. _Forget him, forget him, _she chanted. Her heart protested as she tried to pull it in the opposite direction of where it was intending to go. It ached. She felt like she was falling.

In her daze, her toe caught on one of the bricks that lined the path, making her stumble. She caught herself and looked up just in time to see something hurtling through the air towards her. Just barely able to register that it was a person; she gasped and braced herself for impact.

The person banked sharply and fell out of the air, crashing violently onto the path. Ichigo felt her flutter. She had realized who it was at the same time she realized why they had been flying. Kisshu skidded to a stop several yards away and lay unmoving on the ground, facing away from her. Ichigo felt something almost physical drawing her towards him. She screamed at herself to close the space separating them in bounds and make certain he was okay. She leaned forward involuntarily, rocking on the balls of her feet, panicking at the overwhelming need she felt to protect him. The sight of his still form, uncharacteristically vulnerable, filled her with a frantic, staggering, electric fear.

She took an erratic step forward, and then a wave of reality crashed into her. She had to pretend, keep up the act that she hated him. She had to lie. "Kisshu?!" she asked angrily, pausing slightly to see if she believed herself. "What the heck? You scared me." Her heart pounded; he hadn't moved. He had to be okay. She hadn't had a chance to- She exhaled convulsively when he stirred and sat up.

"Koneko-chan!" he sang, turning to face her, grinning. "What's my little kitten doing, walking around the park alone at night?" Oh no. Ichigo struggled desperately to keep her features locked into a look of annoyance. She hated the way his voice made her heart pound in her ears. She hated the pet names he gave her, his false affection. She felt her heart wrench as she realized that wasn't true at all, and tried to turn her wince into an eye-roll.

"Ryou kept me working late at the café. He's such a-" She stopped short as she realized that sharing the events of her day with him was making her shockingly content. That wasn't good. "Wait…" Ichigo placed her hands on her hips in an effort to conceal how she was trembling. "Why am I telling you this?" She struggled to keep the fear out of her voice.

_And games that never amount  
To more than they're meant  
Will play themselves out_

Fear suddenly gripped her. What if this was a trap? What if he attacked her? Pain stabbed through her at her at the thought of his betraying her. What if she had to force herself to fight him - again? She fumbled for her power pendant and held it in front of her like a shield, holding it with both hands to keep it steady. "Where's the kirema anima?" She looked around her it, making herself focus, trying to ignore his face, his eyes. Looking at him made it extremely hard to deny the depth of her feelings. It also made her heart ache. The size of the gap between the reality of the matter and what she had made herself believe for so long was making her dizzy.

"What makes you think there is one, kitten?" He was off the ground in the time it took her to blink. Her heart stopped for a fraction of a second as his arms wrapped around her from behind, pinning her arms to her sides. She felt as though she was on fire; his soft, cool touch made her skin do more than just tingle. She resisted a sudden, wild urge to turn and stroke his face as he nuzzled her cheek with his.

And then her mind caught up with her body. This was all a lie; there was nothing deep about his feelings for her. The tenderness she imagined into his embrace was piercing; agonizing in its falseness. The urge to scream struck her, clawing its way up her throat. She turned it into a shriek. "Ew, get off!" Her own voice grated at her ears. She sounded like a liar. She spun around in his arms and shoved him away from her as hard as she could. _Keep lying, _she thought, and stomped her foot hard on the ground for emphasis as she backed away from him. It took her a while to feel the sting.

She trembled as Kisshu stumbled away from her and sank to his knees. That surprised her. He'd never shown weakness in front of her before. Ichigo blinked as he doubled over, gasping. Had she hit him harder than she'd thought? What if the fall had hurt him more than he was letting on? If he was injured it was her fault. _And that's good, _she thought cynically, hysterically. _If I hurt him, it will be a good thing._

But he couldn't be hurt; he was faking. Of course he was. "You didn't answer my question. What's wrong with you? Stop fooling around!" He didn't respond. "Kisshu!" She couldn't bear to keep feeling so many emotions all at once. She couldn't try to be angry when she felt like throwing herself to the ground and sobbing. She couldn't be angry at him. The sensation of falling intensified. "…Kisshu?" She protested internally, helplessly as the ability to feign anger left her. Again, relief turned her legs to marshmallow and her breath deserted her when she saw him move. He slowly extended his arms, placing his palms on the ground. It startled her to see that he was shaking. She realized with a stab of fear that she'd begun to hope that maybe… possibly… he wasn't pretending. She shook her head, trying to force that poisonous thought out of her mind.

"Why?" Even with her heightened hearing, she could hardly pick up what he was saying. "Why won't you stop? Take away this pain. Please." His voice was shaking, too. Ichigo fought to keep herself from believing it. Because believing that he loved her would make it hurt so much more.

_Take this sinking boat and point it home  
We've still got time_

"What do you mean?" Ichigo asked, apprehensive. _Don't fall for his bait; please, don't let yourself fall for it._ "You said there's no kirema anima. We're not fighting, what could I possibly be doing to hurt you?" Kisshu looked up slowly. She gasped and flinched away in shock as his golden eyes met hers. She felt as though she could see into his heart; it was as if she was looking into a mirror that reflected her soul, reflected exactly the feelings that were roiling inside of her, battering her. But that was foolish. That was exactly what that look in his eyes was; a reflection. A fleeting, superficial reflection of her own pain. He was still pretending.

"My heart," Kisshu's voice pulled Ichigo away from her painful thoughts. "You're breaking it."

Ichigo summoned up some stale annoyance left over from earlier in the day and crossed her arms, trying to ignore the aching in her heart. "That again?" She tried desperately to say it the way she used to, when she hadn't yet realized she had fallen in love with him. "What's your problem? You don't really expect me to believe that you love me." She fought the sudden, wild urge to laugh at the sheer impossibility of such a thing. "I'm going home now." She could feel herself breaking. She turned swiftly to prevent a change of heart, and began to walk away. She prayed he wouldn't pursue her for too long this time, quickening her already skittish pace. She closed her eyes to keep the world from spinning.

She stopped. Something was wrong; he wasn't following her. Why wasn't he following her? She whipped her head around, only to see him writhing on the ground where she'd left him. _Why is he doing that?_ She wondered apprehensively, and felt once again an unnatural urge to go to him. She sighed loudly so he would hear, then turned and walked back to him, fighting the urge to break into a run. She stopped a few feet away. "Is there really something wrong with you?" She couldn't keep her emotions from tainting her voice. "You didn't come after me like you normally would…" _Don't let your voice break… don't let it break. _"I've never seen you act this way."

He'd stopped writhing by now, and lay still on the ground with his eyes closed. "Not enough," he whispered.

For some reason, those two quiet words scared her. "What do you mean?"

_Raise your hopeful voice, you have a choice  
You'll make it now_

She watched him closely as he got up onto his knees. Her stomach turned and she resolved not to look at the scrapes on his elbows and knees anymore. "Not enough. Never enough." His face now held no trace of emotion; Ichigo was having difficulty breathing.

"What? Enough what? You're not making sense." Her hand was burning; without thinking she reached for him. Just a bit farther… She'd be touching his cheek soon, if she moved her hand a little closer... Just a bit farther-

"You!" he screamed and lurched toward her suddenly. She flinched less out of fright and more at the electric shock his skin gave hers as he grasped her hand in both of his. "Not enough of you!" He bowed his head. Ichigo scrambled to pull her expression together, too confused to remember to pull her hand away. She thought for a moment that her hand was shaking and fought to ground herself; then she realized it was Kisshu who was trembling. His voice trembled, too. "You care for me!" Ichigo froze. Could he see through her that easily? What would she do if he knew? "You're concerned for me," he continued. "Worried about me, even though we're enemies, even though we fight all the time, and it's not enough!" Not enough… "It will never be enough." Never enough… "Not for me, not for you." _But you don't love me! _She felt like screaming; she felt like crying. Why was he lying to her? Why wouldn't he stop? She gasped as his fingers clenched hard around hers, and tried not to reach after him when he let go.

Kisshu began to sway. Ichigo watched him, steeling herself to say what she knew she had to.

"Kisshu…" He jumped slightly when she spoke. "I'm sorry. I can't help." She felt her knees start to buckle. She was having a hard time convincing herself that what she saw before her was merely acting and a strong desire to mess with her head. "I don't know if you mean what you're saying." Oh god, what was she doing? If there was even the slightest chance he returned her feelings… But she couldn't have him either way. She couldn't let down the rest of her team. They seemed so far away… "But I love Masaya." She struggled to form his name properly, fought the urge to retch. "I always will. I'm not capable of loving you." Telling such a horrendous lie made her feel unbearable dirty.

"But you are!" He cried, coming to life. He scrambled to his feet with difficulty. "You can love me, you just haven't tried." He staggered forward and grabbed her shoulders to stop himself from falling down. He clutched her tightly; she felt as if he was keeping her breath from her. His contact made her skin spark. She struggled to keep her arms lifeless at her sides.

"I can't…" She shook her head, trying to make herself believe it. "I don't. I'm sorry." She bowed her head quickly in shock, trying to deny the fact that the tears she'd been so dutifully holding back had finally spilled over.

_Falling slowly, eyes that know me  
And I can't go back_

She fought wildly against the sweeping, crushing wave of despair that was trying to drown her, forcing back her tears. "Don't say that!" Kisshu shouted at her, shaking her back and forth. "Look at me, Ichigo!" She looked up at him in shock. She couldn't recall him ever calling her by her real name. She hadn't been sure he even knew what it was. He grabbed her hand again and held it to his chest. Her breath caught in her chest as he leaned forward, pressing his cool forehead against hers. She could feel him pressed against her. Every place their skin touched sent electricity shooting through her, bringing her to life. He was so _close. _

"Let me go, Ichigo." He whispered. She despaired at the yearning her name on his lips engendered in her. "Save me. Stop hurting me, please." Her tears spilled over again, leaving warm, wet tracks on her cheeks. She couldn't say it; she could never say it. She couldn't keep denying that she loved him. But she had to. Her own happiness had stopped being her priority the minute she'd become a Mew Mew.

"I don't know how." She whispered. Every word killed her. He staggered away from her suddenly, violently, breaking the circuit between them. He sank to the ground slowly, and looked up to stare at her, emotionless once again.

"So that's it then." His voice sounded dead. "It was like that the whole time."

"What are you saying now, Kisshu? Stop it." Ichigo pleaded. How could he be acting? This was too real, far too real. He was terrifying her out of her mind. "You're scaring me," she whispered.

"I can't do it." He continued, like she'd said nothing. "I thought I could live… without you. I thought I could fight through all this… pain. But I can't." He raised his hand in front of him and examined it. Ichigo stared. There was something wrong. Her mind and heart raced; she wanted so much to help him, and she couldn't. She couldn't give her love to him. "You don't love me…" She wanted to scream at him, to disprove the blasphemous lie. She wanted so desperately to tell him. She clutched her head.

"I can't make you mine." He looked up at her suddenly and she shrank away, forcing back the emotions that were reeling through her, making her dizzy, keeping her in a freefall. She tried to keep her face blank. "I tried that already." He flinched as he said this, hugging himself tightly. Ichigo trembled. This emotion had to be real. She wanted to help him. She needed to help him, to embrace him tight against her and hold him there forever, to destroy whatever it was that was causing him this pain.

"And you never will." He whispered. Ichigo warred with herself, knees weakening with every passing second. She had to tell him she loved him, with all her heart. She'd break if she didn't. How could she survive, when all she could feel was this writhing, dizzying pain in her heart, and this all-consuming emptiness in her stomach?

_Moods that take me and erase me  
And I'm painted black_

He spoke again. "You'll never love me… and I'll never stop loving you." She felt the words trying to break past her tightly clenched teeth. Just three words. And then she could die, if he spurned her. She could let herself fade into nothingness and be done with the world forever.

"It's almost funny." He whispered. Ichigo could barely hear him over the ruthless pounding of her heart. And then he laughed. Ichigo stared as the sounds of his delirious mirth pierced her right through.

Something inside her broke. "I can't believe you!" she yelled, shaking as her heart ripped in two. He'd been pretending the whole time. She felt the world tilt and slide; she felt herself slipping off the edge. "You always do this!" She balled her fists until her nails cut into her palms, unable to restrain more tears from spilling over. He was still smiling at her. "You play games, toy with me. You take advantage of me, and just when I think you've decided to stop being a jerk, you go and do something like this!" She couldn't say 'love'. She could never tell him she'd actually let herself believe, even for a fleeting moment, that he loved her. He could never, ever find out.

"I've had it with you. You've wasted enough of my time." He didn't respond; the mocking smile did not leave his face. "I'm leaving. I won't come back this time." She didn't trust herself around him. She turned and walked away; she couldn't run while she was falling apart. She only made it a few steps before his voice rang out behind her. "Ichigo, wait!" She stopped abruptly, closing her eyes tight and willing herself to reply without her voice shaking. She turned and glared at Kisshu. The one who had unknowingly captured her heart, her undying love. The one who tried to break her every chance he got. The one who would destroy her.

"Forget it, Kisshu. You're pathetic." She didn't know at which of the two of them she was directing her words. "I hate you, and I always will." she spat, even though she knew the opposite was, and always would be true.

_You have suffered enough  
And warred with yourself  
It's time that you won_

She turned and left him, letting tears and silent sobs overcome her. She hugged herself as she walked farther away from him, nails digging into her arms. She understood now. Being a Mew Mew had changed everything. She would always groan and complain and go through the motions of suffering, of boredom, but she couldn't deny how being Mew Ichigo made her feel. She was powerful; she was free. She saw so many things, felt so many exciting feelings. Her eyes were open now; she'd changed. She dared to contemplate and dream of and _want_ things the person she used to be could never, ever have imagined.

And one of those things was Kisshu. Passionate, beautiful, impulsive Kisshu. She no longer desired the same sweet, safe, _boring _things she always had. She knew better. She cursed him for appearing just when everything was about to be perfect, just when everything was changing. At exactly the right time for her to fall head over heels for him.

_Take this sinking boat and point it home  
We've still got time_

And now that she was finally free, now that she'd discovered herself and what she knew in her heart she had always wanted, she'd been torn apart. Because the one she loved did not love her. Ichigo stopped on the dark brick path and held her head in her hands. She could never forget him. How he had swooped down on her and kissed her before they'd exchanged two words. The way just one of his fangs showed when he smiled. His eyes, his pointy ears, his hair, the way it felt when he embraced her. The way he called her his koneko-chan and was always flying in out of nowhere… So he could see her. Not any of the other hundreds of millions of Earth girls available to him, but her. But she could never have his love, nor could she return it. Her loyalties lay elsewhere, she knew…

_Raise your hopeful voice you had a choice  
You've made it now_

But that wasn't right. She didn't want that. She wanted to _live. _Not just to survive, like she would if she did nothing, if she acted like she felt nothing for him and annihilated him to save Earth. She turned around slowly. Her foot started to lift off the ground and move forward, almost of its own accord. If she didn't take the chance while she had it, she'd lose him. She had to choose. Before one of them killed the other. Before it was too late.

_Falling slowly sing your melody  
I'll sing along_

Ichigo broke into a run. She felt giddy with adrenaline as her heart pounded in her ears. The dark night whipped past her and the cool air blew her hair around her face. Her feet pounded on the stone, carrying her back, back to him. She ran in time with the throbbing of her heart, breathing deeply as the turmoil inside her disappeared along with her indecision. She glanced up at the frosty stars that were twinkling with admirable tenacity. She hoped fiercely that she wasn't too late.


End file.
